Ways to Connect with Someone

We all yearn for real connection with other people. I've previously talked about removing obstacles for connecting: The #1 Cause of Relationship Issues. It is incredibly valuable to remove those judgmental thoughts about ourselves and others first. After doing so, how do we go about actually connecting with someone? Here are some ways to create or deepen a connection with someone:

1. Show interest in them.

• Be CURIOUS!

• Ask them what they are passionate about.  

• Look at their social media and "like" or comment on things they've posted.

• Ask about their family, their life story, their hopes, their challenges, their plans.

2. Learn and use their name (no need to be perfect). 

• People love to hear their name; it helps them feel seen and acknowledged.

• If you forget (which I often do) ask them again what their name is, to show them how much you want to remember it.

3. Ask a follow-up question about something they told you in a previous conversation.

• This can mean a lot to someone because it means you cared enough to remember.  This can take a concerted effort if you're anything like me who struggles to remember things.

4. Be open and real with them.

• Don't pretend to be strong or mature. Show them your genuine emotions. Help them see that you are human and have challenges.

5. Help them feel they belong

• Include them.

• Invite them to things (without requiring they come).

• Help them feel that they are a vital part of the group.

• If appropriate, name your group (but don't exclude others)

6. Regard them and serve them.  

• Care about their feelings and desires. Take them into account when making decisions. (Don't forget to also regard your own feelings and desires).

• If you don't know how you can serve them, put yourself into their shoes, and try to identify something.  Alternatively, just ask them what you can do for them or how you can pray for them.

7. Allow them to serve you.  

• Have the courage to briefly mention a challenge you are having.  Of course, do this without any pressure, and also avoid putting up walls in the process.

8. Ask them questions that they WANT to answer.  

• One way is to ask them about something you know they are passionate about.  It doesn't need to be something you are personally interested in.  The key is that you are interested in them, and that includes being interested in what they care about.

• Ask: What unimaginably good things has God done in your life?

• Another way is to find or come up with interesting questions.  Here are some to get you started: https://www.signupgenius.com/groups/getting-to-know-you-questions.cfm

• If your brain works this way, here's a way to come up with up to 225 questions. You pick one item in each box and form it into a question.

For example: "Your", "Future", "Desirable", "Circumstances" becomes "What point would you like to get to in the future?"

9. Share meaningful stories or other truths with them that they would like to hear.

• Memories you have of them

• Entertaining stories (especially about you that they haven't heard or might not remember).

• Personal experiences that shaped your life.

• Principles that matter to you and why.

10. Ask for their advice, feedback, or insights.

• It means a lot when you are interested in what they have to say or share, especially when it is an opportunity for them to make a difference in your life.

11. Find out "where they are at" emotionally or in their journey through their day or life and acknowledge it with love and empathy.

• Note: "Meeting someone where they are" means connecting without arguing with their reality.

• This could be as simple as asking "how are you?" in a sincere way, seeking more than an "I'm fine."

• You could ask a question like these:

  • "Is there anything you're looking forward to?"

  • "What do you dread?"

  • "What was your biggest victory today (or this week)?"

  • "What frustrates you?"

  • "Is there anything you're excited about?"

  • "What are you grateful for?"

• Tip: One way to think about this is that you are base jumping into their world as an adventure of curiosity and discovery.  You are leaving behind your own perceptions and world and entering theirs.  After this whole exercise and after your interaction with them, go back to your own world of perceptions and reconcile it with what you saw and experienced there.  This will greatly expand your understanding and help you to learn and grow.

• Acknowledge what they've shared with love.  Convey to them that they are not alone and that you've got their back (as best as you can).

• Show empathy, seeking to feel the emotions they've shared.  It can help to get in touch with times that you've felt a similar way (without talking about it and making the conversation about you).  When you feel the emotions, share what comes to mind (not just repeat what they already said).

12. Share your emotions and desires for them.

• A powerful way to begin this is "What I want for you is..." This can be said without any pressure or expectation, just pure desire. And, you can say whatever your vision is for them, even if they might not agree with that direction right now.

• Example: "What I want for you is for you to find fulfillment in your life and not be bogged down with fear and obstacles.  I am overjoyed to have you in my life."

13. Provide a safe space for them to share and open up.

• Approach them from a place of understanding and compassion.  Express that you want them to know that you love them no matter what; that you are there for them and have their back.  This is especially important when they've made a choice that you don't agree with, but is great other times as well.

• Help them feel safe, felt, and understood.

14. Express genuine gratitude.

• This can be about them or really anything that you are deeply or even whimsically grateful for.  You can follow-up by asking what they are grateful for.

15. Answer their sincere questions without putting up walls.

• When they ask you a question, have the courage to answer it honestly and in an open, heartfelt way.  Note: This doesn't apply when they aren't REALLY asking (such as a "how are you?" that is really a substitute for "hello").

16. Give them appropriate affection.

• Hugs can speak volumes and break down barriers.  Even friendly punching, wrestling, playful tripping, or physical activities can deepen connections.  Give them touch in ways that they welcome.

• If appropriate, loving touch can speak volumes.

17. Give them a meaningful gift.

• It can be as simple as a card with heartfelt words, a flower from the garden, or it could be something they've talked about wanting.  The motive in giving the gift is EVERYTHING.  For it to build connection, it needs to come from genuine desire, not out of obligation.

18. Capture, record, and/or publish moments together.

• This can be photos, videos, audio recordings, writing down quotes or experiences, and optionally posting them on social media.

• When you do this, it is one way to show that you value your time together.

19. Do something with them that they enjoy.

• It doesn't have to be something that you also enjoy, as long as you're totally willing and a good sport about it.  Of course, if there are things that you both enjoy, that makes it even better.

20. Serve or do work with them.

• This can be as simple as helping them do their chores, inviting them to join you in serving someone else, or expressing enjoyment in working with a co-worker.

21. Play together.

• This can be goofing around, playing board/card games, playing a sport for fun, creating something amusing, telling jokes, or whatever else "play" is to you.  Use your imagination and enjoy it!  Play is one of the most healing and under-estimated activities that there is.  

• Note: This does NOT mean silently staring at a screen next to each other playing a video game or watching something.

22. Follow inspiration you get

• If you know how to receive inspiration from a Higher Power, follow it. It trumps anything else here.

There are certainly many more ways to connect with people.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas!  Connecting is something that all of us need.  There are way too many people who feel alone in this world!